Video: To edit a narrative scene

﻿Hello everyone. My name is Ms Madden. I'm really excited to be doing today's English lesson with you because "Rabbit-Proof Fence" is a story that I love. I think it's an incredibly powerful and moving story and all the more poignant because it's actually based on real life events. Let's get started. In this lesson, we will start off by generating some key synonyms. Then, we will move on to edit and improve a piece of modelled writing. Finally, you will edit and improve your own writing outcome, the writing that you have been working on over the previous lessons. In this lesson, you will need an exercise book and some paper with your writing from the previous lessons on. It's really important you have your work from previous lessons. A pencil or pen to write with. Sometimes it can be helpful when we're editing to use a different colour or different type of pen to that that you normally use. So if you've written in pen previously, you might edit in pencil. If you previously wrote in pencil, you might edit in pen. And, of course, as always, you'll need your brain for thinking. And editing is a special kind of thinking. You have to be really reflective and really ready to look at our writing from a reader's perspective. Okay, let's start off by looking at some synonyms. We're going to think of some synonyms for the words below, but do you remember what synonyms mean? Can you say aloud a definition for the word synonym? Off you go. Well done. It says a synonym is a word that means the same or very similar as another word. It means the same or similar to another word. So, we're going to generate some synonyms for these three words that might be really helpful in your writing and when you're editing your writing today. The verb looked. The adjective hot. And the adjective dry. Please can you press pause and write as many synonyms as you can think of. Off you go. Well done. I wonder what you had. Okay, let's start off by looking at looked. These are some that I thought of. I looked, or Molly looked we could say. Molly scanned, you can scan the horizon. Molly examined. So you might examine something closely. Molly watched. What might she watch unfold? Molly gazed, so gazing is a kind of relaxed looking. Oh, Molly glanced. So a glance is a quick look. Remember, no one word is better than another in the English language. All words have equal value but, a particular word can be more suitable for our piece of writing, because we want to use our language really precisely. So when we're thinking of synonyms, it means that we've got a good toolkit of vocabulary to choose from when we come to write. And we need to choose exactly the right word for what we mean. Let's look at our next example. Hot, so we could talk about the hot ground or the hot sun. Or blistering. Remember what that word meant. It's really hot, almost painful. Searing. So it's something like this, the searing sun is very, very hot. We talk about searing meat when we cook it. And scorching, that's another very hot word. So these are quite negative, hot words. Words with a negative connotation because the heat that we're describing this scene is actually quite oppressive. And finally, dry. So you talk about the dry landscape. So these are my suggestions. We could have shrivelled. So we talk about shrivelled trees, that are less lifeless. Parched. Sometimes you can feel parched if you're really thirsty, but we could talk about the parched ground. And withered. Withered is quite similar to shrivelled. These are some of my synonyms, perhaps you had others. Okay, now we're going to move on to editing and improving our writing. First of all, with a modelled section of writing, and then with your own. But as we are editing, we need to be really clear what does an editor do? Can you say aloud what you think an editor's role is. Fantastic. So an editor, you can have editors of television or film and of writing. An editor, when we're talking about writing, goes those through a writer's work and checks the mistakes and makes improvements. Every author needs an editor. And guess what, you are your best own editor. But it's much better than someone else looking at your writing and saying, "Oh, I think you could have added a bit more information about this or this wasn't clear, or you missed a word here." Much better if you can spot it yourself. So, when we come to edit, we have to really move ourselves to the side and imagine where someone reading with fresh eyes, reading as a reader. And remember, it's not only about checking for mistakes, spelling mistakes, or punctuation mistakes, or if something doesn't make sense. It's also about adding ideas. Only when you look at your writing with fresh eyes, perhaps on a new day, can you say, "Hmm, I didn't actually explain this clearly." That's really, really important work and important learning when we are editing. So when we're editing, we always have to think what was the purpose of this piece of writing. And this piece of writing that you are editing today was your opening scene. And so what is the point of an opening in writing. An opening in narrative we know it does two things; it establishes the setting and it establishes the characters. So you've got to really keep this in the back of your mind all the time you're reading through your work. Have you clearly established the setting? Have you clearly established and introduce your characters? Because this is the, we start of our full narrative. And then of course, ww look at lots of other aspects. So let's think about. Today, we're going to focus in, on what we were particularly focusing on challenging ourselves to include in this piece of writing, this opening scene. So what we had focused on previously was use of ambitious language. Adverbial phrases or clauses. Non-finite clause complex sentences. So these are some things that your preparation for writing got you ready to include. So when we edit today, we're going to look for those and make sure that they're really high quality, as well as thinking about how we can improve our writing, achieve our purpose. Are you ready? I have this table to help me keep on track. So you can see I've written my three criteria; Ambitious adjectives. Adverbial phrase or clause, and non-finite clause complex sentence. And, I've given myself a table to show whether I did not include it, in which case I definitely want to. Whether I have this feature. I can see this feature, number one. Or the best. All examples of this feature are excellent. So when we're editing, we're going to be looking at the model text. We're going to try and make sure we move this from each aspect from zero to one to two, because we want to use each of these features really well. I'm going to show you with a very short bit of writing from the opening scene to look at it in detail, and then you can do the same for your whole writing. So, let's start off by focusing on ambitious adjectives. I'm going to read you the short section of writing that we'll be focusing on from model text. It's just a section of the opening. From above, the barren landscape could be seen for miles as the withered green bushes shrivelled in the harsh sun. Scattered all around boulders and shrubs perched on the lifeless, never-ending plains. It was as if time had stopped in the endless Outback. Littered all around were discoloured rocks overheating in the blistering sun. The relentless sun scorched the Outback. Okay. What did you think? There's some things I really liked in there, definitely. I feel really proud of in that extract of writing, but there are definitely some things that I think we could improve. It's always important to recognise what you've done well first. So, we were looking for ambitious adjectives. Can you see any adjectives that you thought I used really well? Could you say them aloud now? Okay, I wonder if you spotted any of these? The barren landscape empty. The withered green bushes. Withered was one of those good synonyms. We talked about the lifeless, never-ending plains. You can see in this opening, I'm giving lots of clues about how inhospitable the setting, the Australian Outback could be. Because as you know, this story is going to be about a really long, relentless journey that the girls go on when they try and get reunited with their family. You know that's what the story is going to be about. So we're having to set up lots of clues about how challenging and harsh the environment is. So the lifeless, never-ending plains. I've thought about discoloured rocks and the blistering sun. And we're going to talk about the relentless sun as well. So, adjectives. I can see this picture. But I think perhaps not every little bit, not every phrase and word choice is totally appropriate. So, I can see, can you see I've written "The withered green bushes." Well, withered and green, slightly contradict each other, don't they? Because if we're talking about the bushes being withered it means they're kind of starved of water. And when we talk about green leaves, we think of really healthy leaves. So, they contradict each other. We've got to be really careful when we use adjectives that we don't just throw any adjective in for the sake of it, that doesn't make our writing better. We have to be precise. So in this instant, I don't think I should have green in there. Then, down were at the bottom, you can see I've got the relentless sun. Now, I think saying relentless sun is helpful, but I've repeated myself. And again, that's something that we should watch out for. So, if I read that previous sentence, "Littered all around with discoloured rocks overheating in the blistering sun." And then my new sentence just repeats it. "The relentless sun." I think I could probably merge these sentences. So I'm going to get rid of my repetition of the object of my sentence, the key noun. I'm going to replace it with my relative pronoun, which. So now I've formed one complex sentence. "Littered all around with discoloured rocks overheating in the blistering sun, which scorched the Outback." I think that flows much better. Oh, for me, I think I've moved myself from a one to a two, and that my use of the features is now much better. Okay, so we've done our ambitious adjectives on our model text. Now let's move on to looking adverbial phrase or clause. I'm going to keep modelling with my text and then you can look at yours. So I've got my same section of text here and now we're looking for adverbial phrases or clauses. Can you spot any? Press pause and say them aloud. Okay. Did you spot these ones, "From above" at the beginning. Or showing where "Scattered all around" and "littered all around." It's kind of similar that one. So, I have got these features in there. But you may notice something not quite right. I missed my commas. When we have an adverbial phrase or clause at the start of a sentence, a fronted adverbial, we know we have to have a comma after it, to separate it from the main clause. When we have a fronted adverbial we bring it at the start of the sentence, we must put a comma, and I forgot my commas. So now you can see I've put them in. Scattered all around, comma, and littered all around, comma. And then, that last sentence just didn't flow quite right. And I had scattered all around and then littered all around and I don't want to repeat the same construction. So I'm going to change that sentence to this. "Discoloured rocks littered the landscape and the sun's heat scorched the ground." I think that sounds better. So I've actually edited on my editing. And I think that moves me up from a one to a two. I have the features but now I've improved them. And I certainly remembered my commas after my adverbial phrases and clauses. So, the last criteria I wanted to look at in detail was a non-finite clause complex sentence. So using an -ING verb. Did I have a non-finite clause complex sentence in my example? Have a look. Can you see one? Oh no, I didn't include one in my writing. Now, that's fine. When we come to write there's so much that we are thinking about. We have to think about what to write, the content and all the different ways to make our writing effective. The how-to-write is absolutely fine to miss things out. Then that is why editing is such a treat because we get to come back to the same content and have another go. So we didn't include this, so we need to improve it. So I want to have a complex sentence clause. When we're trying to think of a sentence, it's always important that we think about our main idea first, our main clause, and then we can expand it into an -ING clause, a non-finite clause complex sentence. So can we think of a sentence perhaps about the spirit bird. Because the spirit bird, the flying spirit bird in this scene is really important symbolically at the beginning of the story, but it also comes back later in the story. So I want to include something about the spirit bird here. Could you think of something. Could you think of something about the spirit bird. Perhaps the spirit bird soaring up ahead. Think and say it aloud now. Okay, here's my idea. Floating with ease through the cloudless sky, the spirit bird tracked it's pray through the trees. So you can see he's my main clause, the spirit bird tracked it's prey through the trees. Always start with the main clause in your head because that's the main point of your sentence. And then I've added that -ING, subordinate clause, "Floating with ease through the cloudless sky." Because the spirit bird is so majestic and watching over. And it's almost like a key character and a key symbol in this narrative, in this story, to do with home. Okay, so I've put in my feature now. I didn't have it and now I've included one. I might think I've done it well. So, I've just modelled with you how to look at a small bit of the writing and improve it thinking about our non-finite clauses, adverbial phrases and clauses and our adjective choice. Now it's your turn to look back over your writing and improve these three aspects. And of course, all the way through reading, you need to be thinking, have you introduced your setting and have you introduce your characters effectively. This opening scene needs to work in its entirety. So you're going to be thinking about the purpose of your writing. Have you achieved what you need to? And then you can hone in on those three aspects in detail. Now, it's time for you to do your editing. Good luck. Congratulations! You have achieved a huge amount in today's lesson. You started off by generating synonyms for key vocabulary. We then focused on editing a small section of model text and improving it. And then you moved on to editing your own writing, which is a really, really important skill.

Lesson summary: To edit a narrative scene

In this lesson, children will generate synonyms to support their work when editing this outcome. Before editing their own writing outcome, a model piece of writing will be edited and improved in this lesson which will support independent work.

English

Y6 English

Key Stage 2

Year 6

To edit a narrative scene

Rabbit Proof Fence - Narrative writing

Writing

THEME

UNIT

To understand the context of the film

To investigate word endings: -ant -ent -ance -ence

To explore the function of apostrophes

To generate vocabulary

To develop a rich understanding of words associated with hot weather (Part 1)

To practise non-finite complex sentences

To practise and apply knowledge of word endings: -ant -ent -ance -ence, including test

To edit a narrative scene

Video

Lesson summary: To edit a narrative scene

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